Tuesday, December 13, 2005

All Calls Are Recorded for Quality Assurance

"You've reached God's Help Desk, for English, press #1. Para Espanol, marque el numero dos."

"Returns, this is St. Matthew, along with me today is St. Mark for training purposes. Can I help you?"

SV - Oh wow, Matthew and Mark....like THE Matthew and Mark? Where's Luke and John.

Mat: Oh, yeah, like we've never heard that one before....anyway, what can we help you with?

SV: I'd like to return my head.

Mat: ID please

SV: Shrinking Violet

Mat: Age of the head?

SV: Forty- ish...

Mat: Does it have all its original brain cells?

SV: uhhhh....probably not

Mark: Is says in the system that she went to college in the 80's...she'll be lucky if she has half of em left.

SV:....hey now, that's not nice..

Mat: What seems to be the problem with the head?

SV: Well, first off, the hair. I got a really bad spin of the genetic dice and ended up with really bad hair.

Mat: The system says your genetic spin was just fine.

Mark: In the notes section, the A/O says that your problem is that you are spectacularly lazy about your hair and that if you would just get up an hour ealier...

Mat: SHHHhhhhhh ...you're not supposed to read all that...

SV: Who is A/O?

Mark: Ummm..the Big Guy...You know... The Alpha and the Omega...so...anyway, the A/O says the hair is problem that will be fixed when you accept, ummmmm, certain realities. What else?

SV: Okay, umm, my forehead looks like a topographical map. The wrinkles are REALLY deep for a 40-ish person...and the sinuses and allergies really make me feel bad.

Mat: The system says that those wrinkles were caused by sunbathing by the owner. Again, not really anything "RETURN" worthy. And, it looks like you have a doctor's appointment on Thursday to resolve the allergy issue...

Mark: And the notes say that any returns regarding wrinkles are just really shallow anyway.


Mat: Ease up now, no yelling. I might have to transfer you over to S&R to speak with St. John.

SV: S&R???

Mark: yeah....St. John is such a hard ass ...he's in charge of Smites and Retribution....it's a better fit if you know what I mean...

Mat: Mark, I've told you a thousand times to stop saying that....Peter is going to overhear and we'll be in a lot of trouble.

Mark: Are you KIDDING? Pete is so deep in denial that he'll never even notice....

Mat: THAT IS NOT FUNNY EITHER....Okay, SV, anything else? You wanna return the head because of the hair, wrinkles and allgeries? Do you understand that there is no guarantee you'll get a brain like your own in the exchange?

SV: WHAT???? What do you mean...

Mat: There is a shortage of brains like yours....so, we'd have to give you what is in overstock. Right now, all we've got is Paris Hilton and Pat Robertson...take your pick.

SV: NOOOOooooooo.....I'm so sorry.... I really don't want to return my head. I can live with the allergies, the wrinkles and the bad hair...It WAS A SHALLOW request...I'm so sorry...can I retract my request.

Mark: Yep....better the devil you know than the devil you don't know..huh?hahahahaa

Mat: You know Mark, that joke isn't any funnier the thousandth time than it was the first. You might need to check in with St. Luke.

SV: What's Luke doing?

Mat: Well, being the only Greek and all, the A/O thought his experience with mythology would be just right in the Muses and Inspiriations Department. Lord knows Mark could use the help. Well, so you want to retract your request?

SV: Ummm yeah, just forget I called.

Mat: You bet. Thanks for calling Returns and God's Help Desk...feel free to call anytime.


Blogger wordgirl said...

Oh...a wiseguy, huh? Trying to show off the skills, huh? Well it worked. That was totally funny. Really clever.
Happy now?

4:10 PM  
Blogger Brooke said...

I'm personally looking into this newfangled face transplant thing that's all the rage in France.

Great post!

4:20 PM  
Blogger Tink said...

Forget the head... <--Did I just say that?! I just want the ability to smush and squash everything into the place I want it. I'd start by moving some of that butt fat up to my chest area. Then I'd move those wrinkles around my mouth to behind my ears. Who sees behind your ears? LOL Lovely dialog! Keep it coming.

5:53 AM  
Blogger Shrinking Violet said...

I didn't have time to mention that my eyelids are in a competition with my boobs to see who can hit the ground first!

7:09 AM  
Anonymous TB said...

This made me smile. Great, original post.

8:58 AM  
Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

I want to send my ass back and in this case, I would take Paris Hilton's, it is easier to increase than decrease. Of course, her ass with my hips, boobs and thighs, not good.

10:21 AM  
Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

This is great! You are a terrific writer. Thanks for stopping by my blog. I'll be back!

4:12 PM  
Blogger Plain Jane said...

This is the funniest damned thing I've read in a very very long time.


10:52 AM  
Anonymous Sophmom said...

Wow. That's wonderful. The only problem is that from certain "places" (like here), "fortyish" looks pretty damn good! ;)

Nice blog.

12:31 PM  
Anonymous Wrinkle Remover said...

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9:42 AM  

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