Thursday, December 15, 2005

Smells Like Teen Spirit

I went to the high school today to drop off the yearbook ad. The school day ended with final exams at 1:00 pm. The parking lot was a ghost town except for a few parents waiting in the traffic circle. They were snoozing in their cars and waiting...for what, I know not.

Walking into the school, I am blasted with the "Smell of Teen Spirit". Every school smells the same. I'm sure you could walk into a school in Siberia and you would smell socks, paper, stale gym clothes and floor wax. There are a few parents going through the lockers looking for possessions belonging to their children.

I think to myself, will I be the kind of parent that will do that? Not that there is anything wrong with that...it was just a thought. But my point is not about searching lockers for backpacks and purses. My point is that I will not be having my own children. So why would the question pop into my head as "will I"? I also realized when I saw the parents snoozing in their cars that I thought to myself "I'll definitely be that kind of parent".

That happens every now and again for me. Like, somewhere else a parallel universe exists where I will be a parent. Now, Don't Cry for Me Argentina. I've generally made peace with the fact that I will not have my own DNA passed forward to the next generation. But every now and then it just comes up on me. (sorry for the grammar of that sentence, I know of no other way to say it). There will be no diapers, no feedings, no Gymboree. My only child is my stepchild, and trust me, he rocks, but he is 18. I don't feel like I got to have him for long enough. I'm already going through empty nest syndrome.

I have no idea why I posted about that topic. It was just there and I needed to get it out. Now, I can go back to gloating that I've already been through the teaching to drive/driver's ed thing. And, I might have a chance of retiring at a decent age. hahahahhahhahaa. sniff.

14 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's a weird experience to stand outside of yourself and see what other life you might have lived. But in some crazy way, I think it is a blessinng to be able to see that you are living more than just this life. Or maybe it's a preview into our next life and the reassurance that we WILL do it better next time.

I do not have children either. Though, I must admit, I have been pregnant. That ended with a visit to a "clinic" some 20 years ago. In my heart of hearts, I believe that decision (whether conscious or not) has influenced every major choice I have made in my life: who I married, where I ranaway to live; the reason I remain barren; why I put up with so much shit. With all that baggage in my head, I find it surreally comforting to see "my other life" and glance upon a woman who is carefree and without worry. Perhaps, you can look upon your parallel universe and see yourself completely happy...and bring that smile to your current world. Strength comes to us from a variety of places...

6:44 PM  
Blogger Tink said...

Anonymous: Wow! I love you... Whoever you are.

SV: I think you're fabulous. I've read through your posts and some of them have carried me through the day. I'm sorry you don't have a little one to influence. But know, although it's no consolation, you have influenced me in some little way.

8:34 AM  
Blogger Brooke said...

After two failed marriages and never having had a child, it unfortunately hit me that I'd like to finally procreate with this third and most wonderful of husbands. And it may be too late.

We've had three miscarriages and still we try...but the clock is a ticking time bomb.

His kids live in the UK and I've barely been able to be much of an influence on their lives either.

I get closer and closer to the realization that this may be "it" for me. But life sometimes takes turns you never expected. And I'll take this warm, loving man over the previous pain any day.

As you said so eloquently, the peace must be made.

9:08 AM  
Anonymous TB said...

It's difficult sometimes to be at peace with choices that carry so much weight.

Something that has the ability to turn our lives into completely different directions is not to be trifled with. I truly believe that when it comes to decisions such as those, we always wonder what might have been.

You chose as you did, or the circumstances occured the way they did for a reason and in the end, you take comfort in knowing are exactly where you're supposed to be because the alternative is to live with regret and life is just too short.

And you sound like an absolutely awesome stepmom.

9:14 AM  
Blogger Shrinking Violet said...

Tink - thanks so much for your comments. If The Kid ever uses foul language. Please know, he got it from me. I also taught him to drive, drink without getting a mustache and clean his ears before a date. So it is not a total loss :-)))!!!

9:23 AM  
Blogger wordgirl said...

She is an awesome stepmom. No two ways about it.

9:50 AM  
Blogger Plain Jane said...

There are times when I have to wonder at the irony of our existence. I am a woman who can have children but take extensive measures so that I do not. Then there are those who want it so desperately but cannot. I wonder, are there actually women who cannot have children, that actually don't want them? It just seems to me that things rarely play out the way we want - whether we make the choices or not.

10:50 AM  
Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

lovely "stream of consciousness" post.

12:12 PM  
Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

It sounds like you are at peace with not having your own children and no matter how much we are at peace with something, it is never easy, and we will always wonder what it would be like if things were different.

3:35 PM  
Blogger Shrinking Violet said...

You guys are so great! Thanks for all the positive thoughts! And, I do enjoy being a stepmom.:-)

6:48 AM  
Blogger Shrinking Violet said...

You guys are so great! Thanks for all the positive thoughts! And, I do enjoy being a stepmom.:-)

6:49 AM  
Blogger Mignon said...

SV - I am so impressed with your maturity and reason on such an emotional issue. Are you in therapy? I mean good therapy? Because I don't know anyone (including the many stepmoms I've had) that is so comfortable in her own skin. Except people that have been in very good therapy. You don't really have to answer that - it was meant as a compliment. I promise! You go!

8:21 AM  
Blogger Shrinking Violet said...

I have had VERY GOOD THERAPY. Plus Prozac. And several years of Al-Anon. Al-Anon is great.

11:51 AM  
Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

Sometimes it is nice to get it out. I'm sending good thoughts your way. :)

12:42 PM  

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