Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Stepmom Chronicles - Part 1

Five years ago I got married and immediately became part of a blended family. I was really struggling with my new role. I didn't know about blogs back then, so I just wrote little stories and emailed them to friends. This little ditty is what I wrote after attending The Kid's sporting event without my husband:

Okay, so I had delusions that I was the perfect soccer mom. Okay, so it wasn’t really even a soccer game and I’m really only the stepmom. But still, there I was in all my stepmom glory. I arrived at the Lincoln Junior High football game at five minutes before 5:00 p.m., the scheduled kickoff time. In the spirit of the sport, I donned by my navy athletic sweatshirt with the our town name in big block letters. Pinned on the sweatshirt was all of my Booster Parent Flair. I’m wearing blue jeans and Keds. I’m totally a Proud Parent and a great Booster. I am fully-assimilated in my new role.

In my right hand I am carrying two stadium seats – one for me and one for my husband’s ex-wife. (at all of my stepson’s activities, we sit as one family in the stands – my husband, my husband’s ex-wife, her boyfriend and me – we are blended, damn it!). In my left hand was my tote bag with planner and cell phone – I’ll need take notes and give a half-time report to my husband, who is home in bed with the flu.

I take my seat and look for my stepson on the field. I spot him. I try to wave without looking like an idiot. I notice other parents arriving and sitting around me. None of them look familiar, but they all have on their red booster pins. I relax and contemplate an order of nachos. It is ten minutes after 5:00 and still no kickoff and no ex-wife. I begin to worry. The stands are filling and the people around me don’t have “Lincoln” on their red booster pins. Theirs say “Washington”. What is “Washington”?

I look across the football stadium and notice that the fans on the other side are also wearing red. Everyone is wearing red. Then I see them. The ex-wife and her boyfriend are sitting on the other side. I, the totally appropriate stepmom, am sitting on the wrong side of the stadium. I, with my stadium seats, cell phone and booster pin, am in enemy territory. I am a complete moron. I skulk out of the stands and go to the other side. I tell the ex-wife of my adventures and she explains to me how to determine what side your supposed to be sitting on at future games. Then she buys me a Diet Coke. I offer to bring wine to the next game. She advises that Junior High sporting events have a strict “no tolerance” policy for alcohol, tobacco, drugs and guns. Bummer.

The game begins and we are all excited. The Kid draws his first penalty. Then he receives a pass and runs about 20 yards. We are screaming. Then he is tackled….and tackled hard. He does not get up. He still does not get up. The ex-wife is very upset. Thank God. The Kid finally gets up. It seems he only had the wind knocked out of him. Okay, this is not as fun as it was a little while ago. They keep him out of the came for about 2 minutes and then put him back in to catch another pass. He gets tackled again and apparently I scream a little to loudly “LET HIM GO YOU ASSHOLE”. People look at me and are clearly thinking “she must be new - she doesn’t know about the no tolerance policy for badmouthing other players”. Quickly, I try to think of something more politically correct to call the ape-like 7th grader that continues to tackle my stepson.

The game mercifully ends about an hour later. We lose. But The Kid rocks. He played offense and defense. After the game, we go down to talk to him and congratulate him on his performance. The ex-wife introduces me to more Lincoln parents. In my excitement, I shout to The Kid, “Hey, we finally got electricity at the house!!!!” The Kid, knowing that I’m referring to our recent electrical problems, gives me the thumbs up. The Lincoln parents look at me like I just offered up Spam and Moon Pies for dinner. Oh well, such is life for the ultimate Booster Stepmom.

Tonight, Lincoln Junior High Fundraiser. There will be a Karaoke booth…..hmmmm….I wonder what the tolerance policy is….?

5 Comments:

Blogger wordgirl said...

Ahh. There's nothing quite like the hot/cold sweaty feeling you get when you figure out you're in the wrong place...and everyone in the world knows it, too.

7:46 AM  
Blogger Shrinking Violet said...

I felt a little like Annette Benning in "american beauty". You know, the smile that causes the throat to get those vein things. And you smile even though it is all falling apart.

8:33 AM  
Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

You can bring the wine, just not the bottle. Put it in one of those travel mugs. Hey, maybe I should start a blog with tips like that, Debbie's Darlings??

11:25 AM  
Anonymous TB said...

It takes a lot to be a good step-parent. Sounds like you've got it down cold.

9:09 AM  
Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

OMG. I have had this moment so many, many times. Go stepmom, go!

5:50 PM  

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