Thursday, December 01, 2005


So, after having been married for over five years and parenting a step-son, I've come to many conclusions. Mind you, these are not merely theories. These are tried and true scientific method type conclusions. You know, UNIVERSAL TRUTHS.

As a result of these UNIVERSAL TRUTHS, I have determined why no WMD (weapons of mass destruction) were found by UN Inspectors and US military in Iraq. See if you answer correctly:

1. Because George Bush was acting on flawed intelligence.
2. Because George Bush was lying.
3. Because all the WMD were moved to Syria.
4. None of the Above.

If you guessed 1, 2 or 3, I certainly understand why. BUT YOU ARE WRONG. It is #4 none of the above!!! The reason that WMD were not found is because the UN and the US did not employ the ultimate tool for finding them:

U.T.E.R.U.S. - Universal Tracking, Extraction & Recovery of Unlimited Stuff.

You may not be aware, dear reader, that the U.T.E.R.U.S. system is a PROVEN locater of all manner of detritus - big and small. When thinking about UN/US inspectors, I can't help but invision Wyle E. Coyote. Wyle E. is out there looking for a building that says "ACME WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION - TOP SECRET - ENTER HERE". Meanwhile, Roadrunner knows perfectly well that if something is not where it SHOULD be than it is certainly is where it SHOULD NOT be. I'm convinced Roadrunner utilized the U.T.E.R.U.S. system.

Case in point, the wife of a cheating asswipe. Those hotel receipts will not be labeled "HOTEL RECEIPTS THAT WERE USED WHILE VISITING MY ACTION ON THE SIDE". They will be somewhere else. She will find them and the jig is up.

Or, the mother of teenagers. Yes, while doing laundry, those with the U.T.E.R.U.S. system will find the odd-looking seed in the pocket of the jeans. The mother is able to identify that this is not in fact your science project, but instead, is a baby censimilla plant. And no, don't even try and tell her you were holding it for a friend.

In my case, it became abundently clear with my wonderful stepson. Known hereafter as "The Kid". He comes to me and says "I can't find my camoflauge hunting chair". I walk to his bedroom and in the MIDDLE of the floor is a camoflauge hunting chair. I picked it up and said "DO YOU MEAN THIS THING?" He guffawed and said "obviously the camoflauge was working."

Or, my co-worker (a former marine), who asks if I've had a problem with the cleaning staff stealing my cds out of my radio. I answer in the negative and ask what of his is missing. He says his dvds that were in his filing cabinet. He says "I already looked in the file cabinet and they are not there". I said "did you look where they SHOULD NOT be? Like, behind the file cabinet drawer or in the dvd player?" He says, hesitantly, "yes". I know he has not employed the U.T.E.R.U.S. system. I pull the file cabinet drawer out and LO AND BEHOLD, the missing dvds. He mistakenly employed the PENIS Search system which is seriously outdated and only worth scrap value on today's market.

So when you read the newspaper about WMD, you will know, that women were not out there looking....otherwise we would have found them AND OSAMA BIN LADEN on the first day we looked for them.


Blogger wordgirl said...

Testify, my sistah! Go tell it on the mountain! Aint no mountain high enough. Aint no valley low enough to help a man find a DAMN thing. The penis is the Beta Max/Fortran of the "lost and found" world. That is all!

5:29 PM  
Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

Totally there wit ya! My boys think it is a special super power I have, "My mom can find anything!" My husband prefaces a request with, "I know its not your job but do happen to know where BLANK is?" And, I usually do. I hate even admitting it sometimes and thus reinforcing this notion that I am the Finder of Lost Things.

4:32 AM  
Blogger Shrinking Violet said...

Debbie - it is a talent akin to knowing how to fix the copier/fax/printer at the office. If you admit to having the GIFT, you will forever be clearing paper jams! Thanks for stopping by!

6:21 AM  
Blogger The Unrepentant Gallivanter said...

That would have worked. Chicks would have found them, and there is no doubt in my mind that they are there. For some strange reason people in the desert go out and just dig holes. I think all the WMD got buried and there is no way to find them. Dig a hole, plop them in,and the next dust storm that comes along erases all evidence.

12:12 PM  
Blogger Shrinking Violet said...

Unrepentent - even under earth the U.T.E.R.U.S. system will have its distinct advantages! Thanks for stopping by!

5:33 PM  
Blogger MoMMY said...

I have to laugh since I live with 5 males who can not find a damn thing.

Even when I say I won't look for it they then BLAME ME for losing it even if I've never touched it. WHY?

My question is this: What do we do now?

8:51 PM  
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8:13 PM  

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