Monday, January 23, 2006

Benevolent Dictator of the Universe

In yesterday's "PARADE" magazine, they gave their opinion as to the Top 20 Dictators on Earth. The usual suspects were lined up and their heinous acts against humanity were recounted. I read the list with the usual horror until I got to Number 8. From Turkmenistan comes Saparmurat Niyazov. And yes, he is hideous. Yes, he has fired 15,000 health care workers and replaced most of them with untrained military conscripts. And, yes, he has closed all the hospitals and libraries outside the capital. BUT, he has also outlawed LIP-SYNCHING!!! And frankly, that is a despot I can support!

If I were dictator, I would, at my whim, dismiss all parking laws. You see, when it comes to parking, I am at my most immature. Tantrums come easily to me when putting the car between those two lines. Parking meters make me see red and restricted parking makes me scream "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!""

When it comes to parking, I am always right. Even when I'm wrong. I AM ALWAYS RIGHT - DO YOU HEAR ME. Today, for example, I had to use a parking garage. The posted speed is 15 mph. That is an appropriate speed to prevent accidents. But this ASSHOLE in a giant truck rode my bumper up SIX levels because he was in SUCH A BIG HURRY. It slowed me to 7 mph because I am just that immature when it comes to parking.

When leaving, there were several blank spaces just feet away from me. But NOOOOOO, the vulture had to have MY space. And his car was stopped DIRECTLY BEHIND MINE. He motions to me "COME ON OUT". And I'm all like "YOU FREAK - I CAN'T PULL OUT IN THAT LIMITED AMOUNT OF SPACE." And he's all like "SURE YOU CAN". Then, I have to spend the next 10 minutes going back and forth inching out of the space so I can clear the car next to me and his at the same time. ALL WHILE THERE IS A BLANK SPACE FIVE FEET AWAY. AAAAAND SO HE DOESN'T HAVE TO GIVE MY SPACE TO THE CAR BEHIND HIM.

Then a woman comes around the corner clearly going at least twice the posted speed while talking on her cell and drinking from her Supersized BurgerKing beverage. Damn near takes off my front end. By now I'm channeling Mr. Niyazov and planning the execution of everyone that I hate in the parking garage.

If you were dictator - what would you do?


Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

This should be easy shouldn't it, but there are so many things that piss me off lately.

I am going to have to go with giving people who shop at Wal-Mart mandatory makeovers. I cannot see one more woman with dirty, fried, home skunked (highlighted) hair, spandex, cotton, boobs to their knees and blue eye shadow. Or a man in cut-off T-shirts, smashed hats, wanna be beards, with wrangler jeans induced camel-toe. Jesus people, you don't have to turn your self-esteem in at the door.

Wait, wait, before everyone, yells at me. I shop at Wal-Mart and there are normal folks who haunt there as well, but they are few and far between.

10:36 PM  
Blogger Arabella said...

I would cap the price for hemming pants at a maximum of $10.

5:16 AM  
Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

I'm with Ditsy. Off with all Ugly People's heads.

I would also make it illegal to forward stupid-ass shit. And if you do forward something to someone you haven't talked to in ages please put some kind of little note - Hi, how are ya? Is that too much to ask?

5:23 AM  
Blogger Tink said...

That's a dangerous question... I would make normal work weeks be 4 days long with 10 hour work days. I would force the elderly to take driving tests. And I would force the idiots of the world to wear chastity belts. They'd have to plead a case and take a psych eval before I handed over the key. hehe

8:16 AM  
Blogger wordgirl said...

1) People who live in a fantasy world, can't accept truth when it's obvious and then expect you to help them maintain said fantasy.

2)People who publicly claim they've cornered the market on morality/ethics and, after they get caught doing something wrong, refuse to take responsibility for it.

3) Pat al.

9:25 AM  
Blogger No name said...

I'm gonna have to outlaw high-heeled cowboy boots, thin cotton gauchos, trucker hats, FUBU wear, the word "bling" (it's OVER people!), political discussions at work and Grandma asking me every 5 minutes when I'm going to get pregnant.

Whew. That felt good.

12:30 PM  
Blogger Plain Jane said...

I would ...

make George Bush actually serve in the military, as a grunt in the Army or perhaps as a Marine, and then I would start a horrible war that made no sense based on lies and personal vendettas that he and his family have to march off to,

require all people to be licensed for a child or a pet,

allow assisted suicide,

demand that all coffee be imported, for free,

insist that all employers switch to Apple.

Yes, that's where I'd start...

12:36 PM  
Anonymous TB said...

-Mandatory jail time of 20 years for drunk drivers and child abusers

-Teachers get paid movie/sports stars salaries and vice versa

-Reallocation of government funds to provide decent health care to all citizens

-Mariah Carey, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears have to go live on a deserted island and no one films it for television.

1:18 PM  
Blogger Brooke said...

I'm not quite sure if I could narrow the list down enough to not take over your comments.

But hurt a poor defenseless animal, you die. Simple as that.

1:56 PM  
Blogger Mignon said...

1) castrate sex offenders
2) bring back strange and unusual punishment for child abusers
3) reduce the price of snacks at the movie theatre

3:51 PM  
Blogger mama_tulip said...

LOL, if I were Dictator of the Universe, chocolate and Pop Tarts would be food groups. Food would have no calories so we could eat all the crap we wanted and not worry about it turning into rolls around our waists. EVERYONE would use their signals while driving and dog-walkers would put leashes on their dogs or else I'd throw them in a cage. There would be no war and nobody would go hungry and there would be no poverty.

I'll stop now.

4:20 PM  
Blogger Dan said...

I would take away the cars from everyone who double parks in Queens.

I would line up and shoot all magazine publishers who think you have to pay for any unsolicited materials.

I would deport anybody who shoots off loud fireworks on any day other than the 4th of July.

I would give all major ethnic groups in this country a special week to celebrate their heritage.

I would draft into the army all corrupt politicians, anf put them on kp duty forever.

But why SV did you let that driver get the best of you?

5:11 PM  
Blogger The Gradual Gardener said...

I started a comment on this yesterday, but it got so long I made it into its own blog entry. Thanks for the inspiration!

And Plain Jane, you and I definately have the same ideas regarding Bush!

9:34 AM  
Blogger CISSY said...

Hey, I like Ditsy Chick's mandatory makeovers.
But if I were dictator I would make sure everyone in this country had what they needed -- a job, a home, a reliable car and food.

I also like making Bush and other "let's go kick their ass" politicians spend some time in the military AND if they vote to send other people's children to war, then their kids also would have to enlist.

OK, you're right this a blog entry. Great idea!

9:40 AM  

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